Parker: “Well, it could be on October twenty-eighth, twenty-ninth, thirtieth, or thirty-oneth”
Parker and Owen are taking turns leading rounds of “If You’re Happy and You Know It” on the way to school. When it was Owen’s turn, he came out with “When you’re happy and you know it, clap your head…”
Owen: Why is it raining?
Me: Because the clouds are full.
Me: Well, you know how when your tummy gets full, you need to pee? When the clouds get full of water, it rains.
Owen: So the sky is peeing on me? #hennypennytheskyispeeing #parentingfail
Parker and I are listening to Heart in the car on the way home from the grocery store as I’m trying to introduce her to the classics…
Parker: “I like this!”
Me: “That’s awesome! Heart also sings a song called ‘Barracuda’ that rocks.”
Parker: “So there’s a fish in the band that sings too?”
Parker received a few fun board games for her birthday. Ever the rule-follower, she insisted that we read the “destructions” first. #fullbodycontactmonopoly
I gave Owen some of the change that was floating around in my bag and he asked if he could put it in his “pinky bank”. #withsomefavabeansandanicechianti
Parker, looking at her grocery list, “What is ‘cider’?”
“It’s something you drink,” I said.
“Like Daddy drinks beard sometimes?”
Parker, describing one of the male counselors at her camp: “I’ll tell you what he looks like… He wears sunglasses, his head is shaped like an oval, he has a smile on his face and his eyes are blue…or maybe brown.” #dontcountonherforapolicesketch
Me: Owen, you’re almost four and a half!
Parker: Yeah, and I’m almost six!
Owen: No, Parker. You not six – you five and some quarters.
Parker, describing her exciting day at camp, “I answered the question in front of everybody, but I didn’t want to talk into the microstove.”
Me: Wow, it’s really humid out today.
Parker: That’s funny!
Me: Why is that funny, Parks?
Parker: Because you said it’s humid and I’m a humid being!
Owen, in a crowded restaurant loudly asking for more ice in his too-hot soup: “I have more LICE!” #checkplease
Parker just complained that the iPad screen was dirty, so Owen took it and cleaned it for her. With his tongue. After which, Parker said to him, “Owen, you’re so professional.”
Owen requested “toast on butter” for breakfast. When I tried to gently ask him if he wanted the opposite, he got angry and insisted that he wanted it as originally stated. Now, how to execute that…?
When Owen’s language barrier gets dangerous…
Owen: “What’s that?”
Me: “Daddy’s swim trunks.”
Owen: “Yes, Daddy is drunk.”
Trunks = Drunk = rumors flying.
Walking to the car, Owen said to me “You so fast.” I told him it was because I’m taller than him, and Parker pipes in with “And I’M so fast because I’m a girl.” You bet, kid!
Owen just informed me that he does NOT like cinnamon “butts” for breakfast. Noted.
Trying to teach Owen basic facts about his life and his family.
Me: Owen, where do we live?
Me: What’s Daddy’s name?
Owen: Daddy Kroov (Krug).
Me: What does daddy do for his job?
Owen: He work.
Me: What does he do for work though?
Owen: He eat cookies.
Clearly we have a ways to go (though Scott does eat cookies like it’s his job)!
Upon explaining to Parker that I might be on a phone call for work when I pick her up at the bus this afternoon, and therefore would need her to be quiet for a few minutes, she closed her lips tightly and turned an imaginary key and responded “Okay Mommy, I’ll put a ziploc in my mouth.” #thatdoesntsoundsafe
Parker: “Something on my sock was sticky before, so I tasted it, and it tasted like candy.”
She is clearly being raised by wolves.
Regardless of how many times I correct her, Parker is convinced that the Yankees beat the “Oreos” yesterday…
I received two interesting compliments from Owen this morning as I was getting him dressed… “You are the BEST Owen in the whole wide west” and “You are my favorite baby daddy” (both of these have been translated from Owen-speak). I am both honored and confused.
Parker tried to get out of going to school this morning by telling me that her weight hurts. #notatypo #pointsforcreativity
Owen: No school today?
Me: No school, buddy. It’s the weekend.
Owen: Yeah, school on Tuesday.
Me: You have school on Monday.
Owen: Yeah, Monday is Tuesday.
**This is pre-coffee, so I abandon the conversation and vow to return to it later.**
Parker is sneaking around the living room with Owen hot on her heels with both of them wearing safety goggles and using toilet paper tubes as binoculars. When we ask her what she’s doing, she informs us that “We’re spying, because we’re pretending we’re Secret Cajuns.” #idontthinkthatspoliticallycorrect